oscillating? i had to autocorrect that - typical. knowing the words but being at a loss when it comes to typing them out. my vocabulary has always been acceptable verging on excessive but ever since i got out of the hospital last year after my episode i just cant seem to fit words together anymore. its like a whole section of my consciousness was lost in that wing. i dont even remember how many days i spent there - most times when i sit down and really think about it, i come up with the number 11. eleven days in the local psych ward. 11 days of slowly coming down. 11 days of figuring out what was reality and what was fantasy. i had always thought of fantasy as something comforting, magical, a way to escape. this is not the case. as it turns out, fantasy can be a nightmare. fantasy is not truth and sometimes it will disguise itself as reality and comfort when its in fact eating away at you without you even suspecting.
thats another problem. when my thoughts do start flowing, my sentences coming together in a less awkward and spastic way, i cant seem to keep a theme. my thoughts dart in and out of subjects, not able to wrap my head around consistency. i know as i write this that i wont be reading this back to fix anything up, to make it sound better or more together. ive never been one to edit myself. never been one to go back over musings to decide whether or not theyre appropriate or introspective or just a steaming mass of shit. typing, or to be more specific, computers, have always been my preferred method of communication. i can express myself freely without the aggressive sense of the potential consequence of my words. typing doesnt feel real, its not tangible, its not reality. its fantasy. to think that one can say what they want without worry. ive used the impersonal method of written word to unburden myself of feelings, thoughts, worries and anger. of love and pain and apathy. and the best part is i always do it, or did it i suppose, without thought about the person on the receiving end. will what im about to write affect them? will it keep them up at night, will it throw them into fury? cause them anxiety? will they care or simply think of me as crazy and leave it at that. i really dont care to put too much thought into it.
and again. not making any sense right now. spitting words out without knowing or caring how it will sound to others. will others even see this? i see people make their blogs known all the time. posting "hey i guess im gunna start writing again" with a link to their blog. on facebook. who on facebook cares though. you have 600 people on there and theyll like you status about having a bad time at the gym or how someone sneezed on them on the bus but how many people would be there for you when youre upset. on the brink of losing yourself. its funny how a social media site has changed so much. dare i say even changed the meaning of the word friend. these people are not your friend. these people do not know you, nor you them. but we kid ourselves, thinking that knowing of a wedding and saying congrats makes any real connection to the person behind the other screen. we argue and moan and rip each other to shreds and think weve made any real progress. yeah that image you shared sure pushed cancer research further. oh of course that article you posted about saving the pandas had a profound effect.
1237am. if i still lived on my own, id be going for a walk right now. oh well cest la vie as they constantly say. i guess ill go to the washroom and then get myself some carrots and then never come back and read this again. i wonder if this will be good. i wonder if this will come to bite me in the ass.
i always set my fan to oscillate and it hits the posters on my wall and they fall down. but the breeze is nice.
